Jul 17, 2008

Sudden Guilt....

triggered off while listening to Bye Bye Bye well into the lyrics when one particular sentence strike my guilt chord.

"This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers"

I've come to realized that I didn't feel this lousy when I lost all my 3 grandmothers (paternal, maternal and a nanny). I was very close to both of them. 1 of them passed on in Australia even before I could board onto that flight to see her for the very last time. The other passed on right before my naked eye with a DNR order to the doctors. It was heart-wrenching watching her grasp her very last breathe.
The first month or so after they passed on, I felt the pain and lost.

But not almost as badly as how I'm feeling right now. It has been almost a year when I lost R but the pain isn't decreasing at all. No matter how I occupy myself with stuffs I'm reminded everyday. I'm tired today. Tired of smiling, tired of ignoring the pain anymore..

Am I a horrid granddaughter? Feeling more pain in losing a best friend than a related grandmother who dotes on me with unconditioned love?
Guilt pangs together with a heartache do not go well together.
Author of Blog

Napaboaniya APAD

3 Divulge:

Marla said...

Oh, I am so sorry.

I know this guilt feeling. My grandmother is still here and in a nursing home. She has no memory of who I am so it is quite difficult for me to visit. I feel so guilty I don't visit her enough. Your post has made me think...I best go see her soon.

kiky f said...

arhg, same here. I lost my grandma early this year. I was crying hard. she lives in Sumatra, and I barely had her on the phone. That was all she asked, a phone call from her grand daughter,and I failed. My greatest mistake...:(( and can;t help to forgive my self until now. :(

the donG said...

didn't notice that line! cool.

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