triggered off while listening to Bye Bye Bye well into the lyrics when one particular sentence strike my guilt chord.
"This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers"
I've come to realized that I didn't feel this lousy when I lost all my 3 grandmothers (paternal, maternal and a nanny). I was very close to both of them. 1 of them passed on in Australia even before I could board onto that flight to see her for the very last time. The other passed on right before my naked eye with a DNR order to the doctors. It was heart-wrenching watching her grasp her very last breathe.
The first month or so after they passed on, I felt the pain and lost.
But not almost as badly as how I'm feeling right now. It has been almost a year when I lost R but the pain isn't decreasing at all. No matter how I occupy myself with stuffs I'm reminded everyday. I'm tired today. Tired of smiling, tired of ignoring the pain anymore..
Am I a horrid granddaughter? Feeling more pain in losing a best friend than a related grandmother who dotes on me with unconditioned love?
Guilt pangs together with a heartache do not go well together.